Monday, March 21, 2011

In the world spinning around, in the casual conversations, in the midst of all that commotion, I saw him and thought: God, I love this man.
Isn't that right, V?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Look Right Through Me.

I'm not the person I used to be. Behind all the Pakistani traditions, religious rules, and cultural values I was brought up in, was a different entity just waiting to be let out. I left everything behind and came here for a better life, a better future. Happiness.
I found myself chopping my hair off, piercing my lip, falling in love with a white man, and other very anti-traditional things. Does it get lonely? No, not really. It gets quiet around me. And in my head. But that gives me time to think about how far I've come along. Escaped, almost, from all the horrors that society had in store for me. I look at the people left behind, how happy they look in their pictures, in the small world that I was once part of and I find myself more than happy to have left it all behind. I can't imagine being part of that life again.
My brother called me over the weekend and told me he wants to move back home. After 6 years of living here, after transforming into a typical American-born, Pakistani-raised, American-college graduate he wants to call quits and be around family. It makes me a little mad. I looked at him as my future. I looked at him and thought that yes, it was possible to live away from family and be happy. But then again, he likes getting attached and I don't.
Of all the things I could have picked up from Brian, and not to say that I haven't picked up good things too, I learned that it's easy to distance yourself from your family so no one gets hurt in the end. I will do things that they will never approve of; they will set up rules I will never follow. And thus the vicious cycle will continue on and on, like a mouse scurrying on his running wheel. It's not easy, nope. I have 20 years of memories, ups and downs, good days and bad days. But the negative shadows the positives. For me, the grass was never greener on the other side.
For me, the sun burned all the grass leaves in every corner.
Will I go back? Probably not. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is right here.
Here where I can walk around in shorts and skirts.
Where I can hug guys without being called a slut.
Where I can have out-of-the-closet gay best friends.
Where I can kiss Brian in public.
Here. Where I'm free to love him openly. Without being judged, without being scared, without worrying.

It's fun loving someone this way. Isn't it?

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Spring break officially starts tomorrow at 6pm, but going to UMass generally means that you start celebrations the Thursday before the weekend. Which is basically today. Honestly, people here couldn't care less about Friday classes unless they have an exam. 90% of students will skip Friday lectures because they will either:
1. Be recovering from the previous night's drunken stupor.
2. On their way home.
3. Still be drinking.
4. Just not giving a fuck.

Spring break couldn't start sooner. What's weird is that freshman year passed like a breeze. It seems like only a week ago I moved to Amherst, and Spring is already upon us. In 2 months, I'll be on a plane going back home and waiting for sophomore year to start. 8 months ago, 4 years seemed a long time to have fun and get life back on track. But if a year passed by so quick, what of the next three? What about after sophomore year when Brian moves to California for grad school?
Here, I've found peace. I've found happiness. I've found a new family.
This place has literally given me a reason to live.

Last night we watched Far From Heaven. Set in the 1950s, the movie is about a woman's ability to stay strong as ever even after she finds out her husband is gay, falls in love with a black man, gets divorced, and finds her love leaving her forever. Inspiration, much? Now I'm not a person who cries, but I swear to God I cried for 15 minutes.

On a more positive note. I'm making Brian meet my brother this weekend. I don't really know what to expect. My brother has known about one of my ex-s and he had every right to pick flaws; I could see where he was coming from. This time around, he has nothing to complain about. Being with Brian is probably one of the maturest decisions I've ever made, and I know for a fact that my brother won't be able to complain. If he will, it's going to be about how I'm too young. 20, really? Shit will either hit the fan, or everything will be great. How could you possibly say no to an MIT student (specially if you're one yourself. Read: my brother)? I need to take out my lip piercing before I go see my brother, though. It's already cost me my relationship with Dad. Not much to care about that anyway, but I'm pretty close to my brother, so I don't want things to mess up with him cause of something so trivial.

So I'm probably gonna be blogging like crazy over Spring break. My initial plan was to go to Montreal. That got canceled. Then Florida. No money. Then California. No place to stay. Then Boston. Brian will be busy. So I guess Philadelphia it is! To see my sister. And drown in her bubbly personality, excessive talk of her husband's niece, her lack of humor, and how she thinks taking (pseudo) karate lessons has made her Wonderwoman. It hasn't. She only manages to bruise herself. Lets not get me started on the stupid karate lessons. I'll rant on for half an hour.

Also. The Boston trip was fucking AWESOME.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Tomorrow is gonna be a good day. Tomorrow is gonna be a fucking AWESOME day. Me, Lilo, Pablo, Sky, and Zack are making a trip to Boston.

We've also decided to take all our favorite candies. And to stay for the party Brian's frat is hosting on Saturday. A huge party with a dancefloor. And good music.

I need to study at some point. And not let the excitement ruin my life. As it is, currently, for me and everyone else going.