Thursday, March 17, 2011

Look Right Through Me.

I'm not the person I used to be. Behind all the Pakistani traditions, religious rules, and cultural values I was brought up in, was a different entity just waiting to be let out. I left everything behind and came here for a better life, a better future. Happiness.
I found myself chopping my hair off, piercing my lip, falling in love with a white man, and other very anti-traditional things. Does it get lonely? No, not really. It gets quiet around me. And in my head. But that gives me time to think about how far I've come along. Escaped, almost, from all the horrors that society had in store for me. I look at the people left behind, how happy they look in their pictures, in the small world that I was once part of and I find myself more than happy to have left it all behind. I can't imagine being part of that life again.
My brother called me over the weekend and told me he wants to move back home. After 6 years of living here, after transforming into a typical American-born, Pakistani-raised, American-college graduate he wants to call quits and be around family. It makes me a little mad. I looked at him as my future. I looked at him and thought that yes, it was possible to live away from family and be happy. But then again, he likes getting attached and I don't.
Of all the things I could have picked up from Brian, and not to say that I haven't picked up good things too, I learned that it's easy to distance yourself from your family so no one gets hurt in the end. I will do things that they will never approve of; they will set up rules I will never follow. And thus the vicious cycle will continue on and on, like a mouse scurrying on his running wheel. It's not easy, nope. I have 20 years of memories, ups and downs, good days and bad days. But the negative shadows the positives. For me, the grass was never greener on the other side.
For me, the sun burned all the grass leaves in every corner.
Will I go back? Probably not. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is right here.
Here where I can walk around in shorts and skirts.
Where I can hug guys without being called a slut.
Where I can have out-of-the-closet gay best friends.
Where I can kiss Brian in public.
Here. Where I'm free to love him openly. Without being judged, without being scared, without worrying.

It's fun loving someone this way. Isn't it?

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".


Zy said...

You've got a great life. Don't give it up, ever.
Thanks for following me ^.^

Amna Chaudhry said...

Mad World <3

Bloody Mary said...

Lovely post. The best one so far. You inspired me, I am going to write about this as well. Love :)

Tinuviel said...

@Zy: It's great now. 8 years of depression, and it paid off. I like your blog. You know how to write.

@Amna: Absolutely. One of my favorites. The original though, of course. Gary Jules.

@Mary: Thank you so much. =] <3

Rahl said...

Here's a thought. Apart from all the liberties that you seem to value over family and home, you gotta figure out which one is going to trump the other eventually. Will Bryan outlast ur family? you gotta make peace with the narrow mindedness and hypocrisy we all call home and realize that ur liberties aren't being suppressed. There is alot of pent up emotion right here that i wont discuss, but you gotta make peace with shit pretty soon. otherwise the bad patch would just translate to a bad patch in the future.

but its just a thought, u know.

Tinuviel said...

=] I was waiting for someone to bring this up.

Will Brian outlast family? I don't know. You need to understand I can survive without him. He's not the center of my world; don't assume he is.

I've made my peace with it all. I made peace with it a while back. I'm just writing about it now, as I saw it back then.

My liberties are still controlled by my family, and I am perfectly fine with that. What I'm trying to point out is that I don't like to deal with the social pressure, which is why I'm perfectly content here. And distancing from family does not mean cutting myself off. =]

Pent up emotion? I don't think so. Happiness, most definitely. There is no bad patch to speak of. The bad patches are over. That was the entire point of this post.

Rahl said...

okay. since im treating this as a blog talk and not some fuckin self righteous bullshit. here it goes.
u gotta realize that ur basing ur life's decision on a past of ignorance and immaturity. if u look at ur parents restrictions and stuff ur gonna learn that they are irreversibly entwined with their own frustrations and social pressure. although that realization is gonna make u misanthropic, i won't suggest going that far into it =p
but i hope u see what i mean. teenage is a mindfuck. and make ur decisions on its basis. that is all i can say.

Rahl said...

*dont make ur decisions. friggin typo

Tinuviel said...

I understand where they're coming from. You think I don't know that? You take me to be a selfish teenager. I'm not either of those.
I make my decisions on the basis of being old enough to be able to make my own choices in the near future. For that, distancing needs to happen.

xyzandme said...

"We're all living in America,
Amerika, Amerika.
America is wunderbar."

xyzandme said...

P.S: nice blog and interesting thought process.

Tinuviel said...


And it's not only America. I lived in Australia too. It was pretty much the same.

xyzandme said...

You know, one doesnt even have to go to another country to see the change...
In India, Bombay is way way way way different (read westernized) than say.. some town inside the country.

xyzandme said...

Also what I meant by the song.. rather what Rammstein meant by the song was.. Many civilizations are being americanized.

Tinuviel said...

In Karachi, there's one part of the city which is pretty Westernized compared to some other random part.
I'm not pro-Americanization specifically. I'm pro-Westernization in general. Sure, I like a bit of tradition and culture. But I'd rather add tradition to an open-minded lifestyle than the other way around, if you get what I mean.
Either way, to each his own.

nsky said...

I believe in you. I've asked a few friends of mine about whether they'd like to go to college abroad/live there and I'm just startled by the people who say, No yaar I will come back to Pakistan/I can't survive on my own. I don't get that. And they don't get where I'm coming from. It's different for everyone, sure, but I'm with you one hundred per cent for wanting to live abroad because it suits you better. You know what you want, and that's awesome. You know what'll make you happy, and you don't want to bend to the wills and whims of family just because, well, just because. I think that's great.

Good luck :)

Tinuviel said...

Thank you. To know that someone gets where I'm coming from means a lot. =]

Sana Castellano said...

I'm still here where you aren't. A few years back I'd like to have escaped it all too. But now, I'm fine here. =)
Yes, I'd like to change somethings but that is it. It has started working for me.
All the best and I like this post.

Tinuviel said...

I guess once you accept you'll be staying there, things start working out. I was still hoping I could get away for college so I never really accepted staying back. Plus Australia ruined any intentions I had of settling down in Pk.

xyzandme said...

its more of the mindset that matters than the place.
10 Years back people in India would want to go to the US if asked to. They would reply to " Would you want to settle abroad?" with a resonating "Yes". without missing a heart beat.

5 years back.. they actually started to measure the pro and cons of doing so, it stopped being a resonating 'yes' for many, mostly because of their family.

Few years back, the resonating 'yes' got replaced by a 'maybe', and this time it wasn't because of their families. It was because of the change of mindset in many here, the tons of opportunities, the amount of globalisation happening.

I think, if our home countries can make a change that is beneficial for itself and its citizens, we wouldn't be having this argument at all.

And to everyone who is struggling and clinching every time when anyone talks about the "better-ness" of westernized world .. must check this out:

xyzandme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tinuviel said...

Mindsets change. People change. Take my brother as an example. He's American, yet he wants to move to Pakistan mostly cause of family. I believe there are two reasons a person moves back:
1. Loneliness in this country.
2. Responsibility of family.

It's been only 64 years since Pk and India got independence. We're still getting on our feet. It took America WAY more than 64 years to become remotely civilized. So I'm not going to compare a country recognized in the 20th century to one recognized in the 18th century. There is no 'better-ness' comparison between the two countries.
My point is that I, personally, me, myself and I, Maria, like to stay in the US.

Eirene said...

Everyone should have the right to make their own choices, to be happy. And I'm glad you are :)

Tinuviel said...

Thanks, Eirene. =]

nuclearbattery said...

I honestly think you can combine the best of what you learn from home and what you learn from foreign cultures into whats good for you. It doesn't have to be one at the expense of another. when you're older, social pressures are different. you create most of them yourself.

but all that said. to each his own. just had to put that out there. cheers.

xyzandme said...

What if you get the good from both countries at home?
would you still stay in US?

Mobeen said...

It is easy to live a life which is led by the society where you live, it is easy to rebel from the inherited traditions when you are free and no one stops you of what-so-ever you want to do, but it is way difficult to follow the path which strikes the real sense of you, real sense in reality has nothing to do with the old traditions or what your religion has taught you, but with the common sense and the truth which you have ignored while busy in the rebel. After all , who wants to leave the luxuries of life when you are afraid of facing thorn's on your way to truth.


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